Good evening, my fellow Americans. My name is Robert Johnson and I am honored to stand here today in front of you all as one of Google’s appointed presidential candidates. For roughly the past ten years or so I have been fortunate enough to have a position on Google’s prestigious executive board and with my accumulated experience and knowledge, I present myself as the best voice and representative of this great country and its people. I believe that by carrying on the Google tradition, this nation shall continue to flourish and thrive. Google has taken America under its wings during the recent hardships and tragedies of the past couple decades and we are reminded to be forever grateful.
With the support and reinforcement of Google, I plan to maintain this nation’s unity and stability. Today, specifically, I am here to address the matters of global warming’s sea level rises, the benefits of the Google Tattoo, and lastly and most importantly Apple’s new line of weapons. I strongly believe these subjects are of the utmost importance to the safety of you, your family and loved ones, and this country but with Google as our backbone, we shall persevere! Thanks be to Google.
First, let us be reminded of the 2021 economic recession that led to the shut down and abandonment of many cities such as Little Rock, Greeley, and Nashville. Shortly after, Google swiftly began renovating these newly abandoned cities. Then, as we all know with the massive sea level rise in 2025, which resulted in thousands of the coastal population’s evacuation to inland areas, Google offered these cities as refuge to the people in need. With the passing of time and the advancement of new technology, Google is now able to allocate its resources to further expand on the renovation of more abandoned cities. The first city in this project is Kansas City and with this renovation, we will be able to further assist the coastal population who are highly affected and susceptible to the ongoing sea level rise. Google has your best interests at heart and we value your safety, which leads me to our next topic.
I would like to address the implementation of the Google Tattoo. I believe this tattoo will be highly beneficial to the betterment and security of our nation. Google has been hard at work perfecting this new tracking and data-collecting system and in the next year, we plan on having it available to all American citizens. This tattoo will keep us safe from both domestic and international terrorist threats. With recent tragedies such as president William Smith’s assassination and the terrorist attack on Disney World, the Google Tattoo could not come at a better time. My fellow Americans, I assure you that the implementation of this tattoo will ease your fears. Worrying about our children and loved ones will no longer be an issue. Kidnapping will cease as we can track everything and everyone. Crime rates are predicted to decrease and the use of illegal drugs will finally be taken care of completely, resulting in the safety of our streets. Again, I stress the importance of the Google Tattoo. Let it into our lives, my friends.
Moving on to the core of what I am fighting for is the prevention of the launch of Apple’s new line of weapons. As I have repeatedly stressed, Google and I severely prioritize your safety and your security. Apple has linked arms with China and Russia and these are not the allies we want on our side. Our past has proven that. This new line of weapons will jeopardize and deteriorate the strong structure and stability of this great nation. As a Google representative and a voice of the people, I promise that I will stand up against these communist forces. Our Google Intel has discovered that Apple will be working with China and Russia to create weapons of mass destruction that will have the capacity to potentially obliterate a whole country. We have worked incessantly to prevent the advancement of deadly weapons not only the good of America but for the good of the global population as well. Therefore, this new line of weapon can and will destroy us. We must stand up against it.
My fellow American citizens, I stand here as a voice and protector of the people’s safety. With Google’s strength and power, we shall not falter. I reassure you, we will not be victims to global warming, terrorists, or Apple. Let us be reminded that Google has been the glue to this country’s broken and shattered pieces in times of our greatest needs. With your continued support and compliance, Google will continue its effort in keeping this country united as one. And I ask you all to vote me in as the standing face of Google to guide us all in this time of progression and promise. With me on your side, the people will have a voice. Your problems will be my problems. Have a good night all, and thanks be to Google.
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